Honoring process and product

In some ways, I see the irony of this post as a “milestone” post (number 300!), when I struggle so very much with the process of this blog. The negative self-messages of what a “horrible” blogger I am, because I am not posting new content all of the time. Yet, I also work to make sure I have something to say before posting.

20141210_183839000_iOSOver the past week and a half, I’ve been working on what is my last master’s paper for my program. It’s a doozy, really. It’s essentially the culmination of the last three years of learning, formation, and experience, wrapped up in a metaphor. This is the earliest I’ve ever started a paper, honestly. But, I knew that it was important and would take thinking, integration, and lots of edits.

I’ve been doing most of the work on my computer, because it was to be 12-15 pages and while I type quickly, I didn’t want to get to the end and be typing frantically and have lots of typos. Plus, I tend to do most of my academic work on the computer. It’s a different way of thinking for me.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning, 7:00 AM. I chose to sleep last night instead of pushing through like I had the night before. I still had anywhere from 2-5 pages to write, and then the editing to do. And yet, unlike most times, I felt a sense of calm about it.

This is my process.

ImageThis is what I do most of the time. It’s the eleventh hour (or pretty damn close), I’m not quite done, and there are books scattered around me, cups of water and coffee, piles of paper, and a hundred PDFs open on my iPad. It looks like chaos, sometimes feels like it, too. And yet… this morning, I trusted myself to print it up, get out my favorite blue ballpoint pen, and start scratching all over it. You’ll get to page count. You’ll know when it’s done. I start working, get up to stretch. Stop for a moment, think. Get up and grab a book from the piles on my desk. Start back with my blue pen.

I set an alarm for an hour and a half before it was due, just in case editing wasn’t done. I finished half an hour before that, giving me two full hours to do electronic edits and final reference touch-ups. And, with an hour to spare, I hit send and had a visceral experience of that pause just after the out breath and before the inhale.

This is my process.

When I stop fighting what it has to look like and instead honor what really is my own way of getting things done, there is less pressure and less anxiety. There is not the same welling up of OH MY GOD IT’S DUE IN TWO HOURS AND I’M NOT DONE YET!!! I’ve lived in that space most of my academic life, scrambling to finish. I often thought of it as procrastination and being a horrible student. While there is some of the former in there, this time I didn’t judge it. I just knew to start earlier so I had more going into the final push. That noodling around is just as much a part of the process as the scribbling with blue ballpoint pen.

When I stop fighting what I think it should look like, I can look around and laugh at myself in this crazy process. I can prepare what I need to beforehand, rather than frantically looking for my resources or having to pull together my reference page. (Which, really? Often takes a super long time.)

What would owning your process mean for you? What would letting go of what that process “should” be look like for you?

#blacklivesmatter – One voice’s response

 

I’m supposed to be working on a paper that’s due tomorrow morning. It’s 45 minutes since the grand jury non-indictment of Darren Wilson. There’s a part of me that keeps thinking I shouldn’t write about this; what do I know? How could I possibly capture in words when I have been privileged for so much of my life, passing so easily for pure, 100% white?

And yet, that’s exactly why I have to say something. Because that perceived status, that perceived idea of who/what I am comes with responsibility to recognize that power and acknowledge a system that has felt broken for a very very long time. This is just one more instance.

Tonight, I am broken open. For aching hearts, for voices unheard for so long, for deep deep divisions that will, as one of my friends online said, rip this country apart. (If it hasn’t already.) I am broken open for the lives that seem to not matter, for people who believe the stereotypes they see as though somehow that is ALL there is to a certain group of people.

What breaks me open most, though, I think, is how I keep thinking that somehow, America, we’re going to wake the fuck up and treat people with dignity – all people not just people who look like us. And yet, every time that bubble is popped, I am shocked. I am broken open.

May I continue to be broken open until all people matter. Because it’s not fair to value some lives over others. Where all have what they need in this life to move beyond surviving – voices heard, lives valued, able to share the gifts and talents blessed with. Because while privilege remains unnamed, there are consequences that ripple deeply.

I want to believe in better. In this moment, I have no more words… rather, I choose to breathe in peace. I choose to breathe out peace.

I will continue to hope and search myself for ways to honor all lives, all voices, and hold the light of hope in the midst of such ugliness and hatred.

It’s what I have tonight; and I know, on so many levels, that’s not enough. Yet, I’d rather show up, ineloquent and broken open, than stay silent.

#365feministselfie – Near end of year thoughts

This is one of the first times – outside of NaNoWriMo, I think – that I recall being actively engaged and regularly following through on a challenge. And this one has been interesting. I’ve been participating in the #365feministselfie hashtag over on Instagram since the beginning of the year. I’ve blogged (a few times) about it, but realized I have not followed up since the first month was completed. Whew.

This has been such a learning experience for me, to see my face popping up in a social media space, over and over again.

ImageI’ve learned to appreciate my curly hair and its wild ways (who knows how many times I’ve used the hashtag #curlyhairdontcare).
I’ve learned that I am allowed and able to be seen in ways that aren’t always SUPER DUPER happy.
I’ve learned that community looks differently and I have the option to dive in, sit out, OR something in between.
I’ve learned beauty covers so many facets of this life.
I’ve learned to see myself as I am in the moment, and allow that to be enough.
I’ve learned the power of scrolling through and seeing that I am more than I think and that all of me is Enough.
I’ve learned that there is value in seeing myself and breathing into the moments of “I LOOK LIKE THAT?”
I’ve learned a deep breath and pause is invaluable.
I’ve learned the beauty of the women participating.
I’ve learned the value of finding my own language to describe how I feel, and the value of not having to say anything.
I’ve learned about the ways people define their feminism and how much feminism is still needed.
I’ve learned that my “fun” side hasn’t left me, and that there is value in the goofy.
I’ve learned that I am enough, even though I don’t look like those in magazines or on TV. I am enough.
I’ve learned the power in owning my own image and learning to love this face and body of mine, as it is.

Here’s to the final month and a half of #365feministselfie!

One moment, built on many tiny other moments…

Over the past two months, I have been working with coach Mara Glatzel in her In Full Bloom course, and while there have been lots of breath-catching, heart-racing moments, I am marinating in one in particular… one that has been building over the course of a few months (years?) and that, today, sort of exploded.

selfOver on Instagram this morning, I posted my #365feministselfie with the following caption:

There is a bit of sass required when you make the choice to break some rules, play by your heart’s rules, and choose a new way. Because others’ rules for this game are not my way. I choose to do This with grace, love, and persistence. Because 80-90 hours a week, brankrupting my self care (and self worth), and following old standards for what makes the work “worth” something? Not my story. Not my path.

For a long time, my self worth has been tied to the work I do – especially as a student. One of the gifts of working at Starbucks (especially after the debacle when I moved) was the ability to begin separating myself from work – to see my worth outside of work. And yet, I continued to overbook, overextend, overschedule myself. If you’ve been around V+R for much time, you know that these aren’t new topics. It’s been a battle I’ve been fighting for what feels like a really long time.

Rewind a few months, when I was taking Permission Granted with Mara, back in May. During one of the conversations, she asked what it would happen if we broke the rules… whatever rules we happen to have for ourselves that keep us stuck. My response was “Anarachy, chaos.” And I could not see past that. Scary stuff.

Today, though? Today, I’m quietly choosing my own way, that I can do this PhD thing differently. That I can make my own rules and get through this on my own terms… because I’m starting to see the cost – already – if I choose to do it the way everyone else seems to think is the Right Way.

What I have to keep reminding myself is that I have a choice in this. And what keeps coming up is wondering how do I want to *end* the program? Do I want to be burnt out and unable to effectively do my work? And the anarchy and chaos that following down another’s “This is how this should be done” path, filled with rules of what makes one’s scholarship and efforst “worthy” of the degree at the end.

From this sassy vantage point, it’s a different question – it’s trying to take a bigger picture, one of sustainability and one of honoring my own humanity and what I personally need to thrive [it’s recognizing – after 33 years – that matters]. So, in many ways, this “breaking of rules” and this declaration is simply one more moment in a collection of moments… because I can declare all I want. But, how do I make good on that? How do I continue to show up in a way that honors thriving and wellness AND scholarship and productivity?

Because I know this isn’t about saying this is a better way, simply that this is a better way for me, and that I need [and want] to show up in ways that are not burnt-out, frustrated, and cranky… I’ve been living there too long.

 

An arrow to the heart: On the fruitlessness and tuning in

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…”  ~ Pema Chodron, Start Where You Are

There have been what has felt like a lot of arrows flying recently – not necessarily aimed directly at me, but affecting me nonetheless. And as I’m being reminded in the In Full Bloom course I’m taking with Mara Glatzel, there’s a lot of stuff going on energetically (full moon, Mecury in retrograde, lunar eclipse…) and so, Pema Chodron’s quote above settles me down a little bit, because I’m just as guilty about screaming, railing, whining… and it doesn’t help the fact that there’s a freaking arrow in my heart. It doesn’t help me calm down (in fact, it usually ramps me up even more, and I get more upset, and even less able to deal with the arrow in my heart.

I’ve been wrestling with one aspect of school since the beginning of the semester. I’ve been unsure how to handle it (and how it would be received), so I have ignored it. Then, it was addressed earlier this week and boy, did it feel like that arrow was yanked, twisted, and pushed in further. My first inclination – and action – was to (internally) yell about the situation. Which, oh so suprisingly, didn’t make it any better at all.

There’s a part of me that wants to keep going on with my same patterns; it’s got to help at some point, right?

Right?

And yet, I find no relief. I’m just as cranky, just as frustrated, and there’s still that burning, turning, pointy arrow sticking out from my chest.

Today, when I ran across Pema Chodron’s words, I wondered, what would it do to stop railing about it and simply turn toward it and take care of my own stuff (to stay on my own yoga mat), rather than keep lashing out.

So I check in, asking what I need. I check in, feeling my feet on the ground. I check in, over and over and over, noticing that the arrow is there and yanking, pulling, trying to get rid of it is actually dangerous for me. How do I nurture myself and allow the process of removal – of turning my attention to the situation rather than just trying to block it out or make it go away? How do I understand the ways in which I do that, so I can keep coming back to that check in and truly listen to my heart and what it needs most to deal with this arrow?

And my goodness… it doesn’t make it go away, but it also doesn’t exacerbate the issue. It doesn’t take the arrow and twist it (or make me feel like a bad person for being so cranky).

It softens me. It allows me to be real. It allows me even a glimpse of what is really going on. It doesn’t “solve” it, but I can better see the situation, rather than just saying “You are the cause of this.” It requires a helluva lot more self-compassion, too… and that can be hard.

Perhaps today, we can each spend a moment recognizing the arrow we’re ignoring and then tending to ourselves the best we know how.

Weekend Treats

Links to Share

Okay, okay… weekend treats for the tail end of the weekend. School is currently kicking my butt and I’m keeping my head above water… what sometimes feels like *barely* … but, I’m still swimming. I’m sowing up, doing what I can, and learning lessons about it all. In my down time, I check out a my Bloglovin’ feed and send myself emails of stuff that resonates.

Here are some great links I’ve discovered since the last Weekend Treats.

Know of something you think I’d love? Share it with me!

Tall Poppies, Comparison Compulsion and Worship Wisely by Tanya Geisler
Hat tip to Mara Glatzel for this one, as it is a link shared in her REWIRED class on Comparison. So. Good. (Both are, really.)

Ampersands & Otherselves (Or, Your Contradictions are Your Brilliance) by Tanya Geisler
Beautiful follow up to the link above.

Approval by Anna Meade
Wow. This struck me in the chest (and, thinking about it, resonates with the two links above). All about learning to NOT compare.

What I Don’t Want to Talk About by Jill at A Thousand Shades of Gray
One of the (many) things I love about Jill is her ability to shoot straight, honestly, and with such love and compassion.

Friday’s Confession: I’m Not Here to Save You by Tiffany Han
So. Freaking. Powerful.

On choosing our adornment by Susannah Conway
Beautiful words about choosing, inhabiting, and owning one’s self.

Three Truths and One Wish by Jill at A Thousand Shades of Gray
This resonates deeply as I continue forward in doing the work I am training to do.

Staying Put by Mandy Steward at Secret Rebel Club
Beautiful “emergency self care” and when you need others.

How 15 Minutes Per Day Can Change Your Life by Claire De Boer at The Gift of Writing
Always a good reminder of the power of a small chunk of time.

On “processing”: you don’t have to work so damn hard by Esmé Weijun Wang
Sometimes, I get so tangled up in “getting it right,” or in processing it well. Sometimes, I make it harder than it has to be.

a new season of {enough} by stargardener at the right brain planner
Love love love this.

The urge and the practice. by Hannah Marcotti
I appreciate the honesty in this one… it resonates with me about this space here at V+R.

where am i going? by Krissie at my radical commitment
Love the imagery, the way this one plays out and speaks so much truth.

Brave Love e-course with Mara Glatzel
I cannot say enough good things about working with Mara. I’m super excited about this course and wanted to share it. Starts November 1.

Musical Interlude

This song has been in my head … a lot … recently. Seems appropriate. [Melissa Ferrick sings Closer]

Weekend Treats (Mid-week!)

It’s amazing, how much good stuff is put out into this world. It’s not that I’m not finding it in order to do Weekend Treats weekly… it’s more finding the time to pull them together. Because, seriously? My Safari on my phone was a bit out of control (again). So, in honor of clearing out the tabs and sharing some really great stuff with you – weekend treats on a Wednesday!

Share with me some of your own that you’ve found?

Links of the Week

Repossession by Amy Oscar
Oh so heartbreakingly gorgeous… if there’s only one link you click? Please let it be this, and allow yourself the space to truly feel it.

So fragile, but so enduring by The Bloggess
Another, with the beauty and the heartbreak. Beautiful look at legacy.

Take it Easy by Jill at A Thousand Shades of Gray
A real life look at what being gentle and honest with oneself looks like.

Self-Soothing by Miriam Hall at inside space
There’s been a lot in my world about self-soothing, recently. And this? This is a wonderful, real-time look at self-soothing.

Coming Out of the Closet About Following Your Intuition by Danielle LaPorte
Love the honesty in this, that sometimes we try to rationalize what isn’t always so rational.

Beginning [and a giveaway] by Anna Meade at if i had a voice
The giveaway is over, sadly, but reading about Anna’s story to art journaling is lovely.

Allow the Journey by Anna Meade at if i had a voice
A fantastic follow up to her beginning… this is the continuation.

A Heartbreaking Simple Truth (and what to do about it) by Laura Simms at Create as Folk
This one was kind of like a (gentle) smack in the gut.

what do I really want by Krissie at my radical commitment
This was another one that was sorta like a smack in the gut (again, gentle, but powerful).

Friday’s Confession: I’m figuring it out by Tiffany Han
A great reminder of the power of commitment and action.

5 Ways to Know (& Honor) Your Rhythms from Curvy Yoga
I love the gentle reminder that these ways are simply experiments… let’s see what happens when we pay attention.

An Open Love Letter to Cheryl Strayed by Jill at A Thousand Shades of Gray
I love Jill’s honesty and truth about her experience – both with Wild but also with her appreciation and love of Cheryl Strayed. (And apparently, Strayed say the post and tweeted Jill about it, too!)

Wholeness by Anna Meade at if i had a voice
A beautiful honoring to/of growth.

“I did it!” vs. “It was worth it!” (There’s a Difference) by Alexandra Franzen
Total reframe of successful work, right here.

What I Instagrammed vs. What Was Really Happening, or My Entire Life is a Lie by Olivia Muenter at Bustle
Hysterical and oh so true, in so many ways and/or variations.

What I really want to say by Tiffany Han
My guess is this is a link from her mailing list (which I have just added myself to); it was a nice swift kick (in a gentle way). Not sure where I picked this one up from, but whoever it was? Thank you.

Permission to find a different way by Krissie at my radical commitment
A vulnerable, honest, and truth-filled post about when we keep trying for something, when what we want is underneath. And one way forward.

Comfortably Uncomfortable by Mara Glatzel
This is a great reminder amid the swift kicks and smacks in the gut this week… that there is space for comfortable and uncomfortable. It’s not necessarily an either/or.

Let yourself be loved by Hillary Rain at spirit soul earth
This: “Let yourself be loved. Let yourself, beloved. Isn’t it the most vulnerable? To be seen, to allow, to receive? It’s hard and it’s holy.”

BEFORE you start writing: Four pracitces to help you get focused & clear … and stick to the point by Alexandra Franzen
A great tool to help focus writing.

Something Good by Jill at A Thousand Shades of Gray
I don’t know how she does it, but every single week, Jill brings really wonderful links to her readers. It’s where I find a number of my own Weekend Treats gems. Here’s a taste.

Seven Questions to Overcome Overwhelm and Find Your Next Right Step by Brandy at brandyglows
Mmmm, lovely questions to guide forward.

the courage to be sacredly unapologetic by Kate at Your Courageous Life
A really straightforward look at what unapologetic looks like (and doesn’t look like).

Musical Interlude

I recently put this song on a mix for friend who was moving across the country. It’s been in my head a lot since then. This is a fan made video, with some beautiful imagery. [We are Giants by Lindsey Stirling feat. Dia Frampton]