Musical Interlude

Hello dear friends. I was going to spend this morning getting links together and then having a Weekend Treats post for you, on time!

But, last night, I was in a car accident (I’m fine, other person is fine – so grateful!), but today will be taken up with car and insurance stuff. So, I will share this wonderful song M. Fenn reminded me of this past week.

Imperfectly by Ani DiFranco

And, because I need a bit of happy dancey music today, too, I bring you Four Simple Words by Frank Turner. (Warning: Potentially objectionable language.]

Weekend Treats

Links of the Week

I am (slowly) getting caught up on my reader feed. At least, it’s under 100 again. For now. :)

The Essence of the Process is Revision from The Art of Non-Conformity
This is one of the reasons most things rarely get past my journals or blog posts.

In the Art Studio: The Insides of a Heart from Beth Morey
A heartfelt look at the role of heart in art.

Some Sort of Silence from The Yarn Harlot
The Yarn Harlot talks a bit about what it means to be in a public space, working to deal with private things.

8 Secrets from 8 Curvy Women Who Love Their Bodies from Everyday Feminism
Love this! LOVE IT!

The Next Big Thing: Novel In Progress from M. Fenn
A look into the novel in progress M. Fenn’s been working on. (From what I’ve read so far… it’s awesome!)

Changing the Default from The Art of Non-Conformity
One way to chang ewhat we think of “default.”

The Battle of Not Thin Enough from Hey Amber Rae
This is one to revisit. But, the scan of it made me pause.

Surrounded by Ideas from Karen Gadient
Beautiful art, and a look into dreams.

Mother’s Day, Again from Beth Morey
A reminder that Mother’s Day is not always the Hallmark moment we think of.

To the Queer Black Kids from Black Girl Dangerous
An empowering message to those who feel they don’t fit in.

It’s not what’s happening… It’s how you respond from Tara Brach
A message I need, early and often.

Badger on the Left, Buddha on the Right from Living Wild and Precious
Love the whimsy and utter truthfulness of this post.

Do It Yourself Writer’s Retreat from Wordlander
A retreat sounds lovely right now.

Song of the Week

I think I first heard this song (Brave from Sara Bareilles) via George Takei on Facebook. Either way, love the message and song.

 Quote of the Week

Read in the middle of a journal article about narrative therapy. Too good to not share.

I  assume  that  storytelling  is  not  merely  a  method  for  solving  particular problems that crop up in our lives but also has an importance and integrity of its own, as a means to personal wholeness. In this sense, it is a spiritual activity, enabling us to become more of who we are, more authentic and more alive. ~ Sanrie de Beer and Julian Müller

Weekend Prompting

This week’s prompting is a question I keep asking myself right now. Maybe you need to hear it too?

Tell me, what do you need to let go of, right now, in this moment.

Weekend Treats (on time!)

Reading Treats

Never Graduate from Canffirmations
A reminder of all of the opportunities there are for learning.

A Special Wishcasting Wednesday from Thousand Shades of Gray
Jill gives a great reminder for pausing. (A message I need. Early and often.)

Thank you (Yes, You): A Love Letter from Beth Morey
I can feel the love and Beth’s spirit resonate through this post.

Love your sadness. It won’t last. from Danielle LaPorte
A reminder that all emotions are important, and that they all are clouds (or sorts). Sometimes lingering, sometimes passing. All important.

Monday Morning Music from M. Fenn
A dancey song that I really appreciate. :)

Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls… SO I WILL from The Militant Baker
(Hat tip to M. Fenn for the link.) A wonderful body positive post.

Girls Are Better at Designing Super Hero Costumes from Alex Law
(Another hat tip to M. Fenn for link.) A great tumblr showing how awesome girls are at designing super hero costumes!

Are you missing the three-leafed clovers? from Living Wild and Precious
A fabulous reminder of all that is precious in the moment.

Breaking Free from Trust Tending
An honest look at when things feel like they’re only shifting, shifting. (Includes fun music video.)

Thought Happens from Janice McWilliams
I love this look at the creativity of the human brain with our thoughts.

Are you Judge-mental? from This Side of the MirrorAn honest look at how judgment (on many levels) can frame our state of mind.

Oh For Crying Out Loud from the Jotter’s Joint
A look at crying, its meanings, and what it can sometimes teach us.

Stop Drop Roll from inside space
A reminder to put on our own oxygen mask first.

Musical Interlude

This has been a favourite song of mine since I heard it. Today, I bring you an upbeat song, Merry Go Round, from Antje Duvekot.

Weekend Prompting

A professor in our department is leaving in a few weeks. I have been working pretty closely with her on three different projects and have come to really respect and appreciate her presence in my life. I met with her a few weeks ago for one of our projects, and she gave me a lovely book of poetry named Risking Everything: 110 Poems of Love and Revelation, which she said was one of her favourite books of all time. Today’s prompt comes from there, and the poem is Maybe by Mary Oliver.

Happy writing!

how it is when something different crosses the threshold

Weekend Treats

Links of the Week

This week’s links are the few I was able to catch via social media (my poor reader is feeling really neglected). But, hopefully, with the semester ending in less than a week (!!!!), ill be able to get all caught up. Until then, a few links!

10K from Canffirmations
A wonderful celebration of a milestone, and all of the learning that came with it.

Whither Moral Courage from The New York Times
An interesting look at the challenges and changes in understanding (and celebrating) courage.

Accepting Ourselves So We Can Accept Others from Emma’s Hope Book
A look at darkness, light, and learning where we grow.

29 Ways to Stay Creative from Rebelle Society
A great manifesto encouraging creativity.

Finding My Way in My Writing – Again from Jason Konopinski
Oh, this one resonates. Resonates muchly.

Self-Care is Not a Punishment from Mara Glatzel
This is a message I need to hear, early and often.

Musical Interlude

I’ve been listening to the new Frank Turner a bit recently… I don’t know the songs well enough yet to pull one out to share with you, but this is my favorite one from his previous album, England Keep My Bones, and is definitely on the soundtrack of that novel I keep talking about. Here’s an acoustic version of I Am Disappeared. (For some reason, it’s not coming up embedded. Boo.)

Weekend Prompting

So, this line comes to you directly from the book I’m reading for a final paper in my Diversity class. It caught my I attention as something to consider and might make for interesting writing. This is from Borderlands/La Frontera by Gloria Anzaldúa.

that voice at the edge of things

“Let’s be alone together”: On community building, vulnerability, and growing edges

Subject line from Alone Together by Fall Out Boy

I have a confession to make.

Nearly a year ago, I sat with one of the professors in my program and told her, “I’m thinking of leaving the program.” I felt unhappy, disconnected, and seriously questioning if I was getting what I needed to from where I was. The only reason I stayed through the remainder of the semester was because I was working with a classmate in statistics and didn’t want to leave her high and dry. Plus, I was enjoying the class and really was appreciative of the professor.

When I met with this professor, I was up front that I wasn’t sure that this program was for me, highlighting how disconnected I felt with everyone in the department. Wile I appreciated being able to only come onto campus once a week, I also didn’t get to connect with students. I felt conflicted between working full time and being a student full time. (Caveat: I recognize that many of my colleagues and many people do that – I had a really hard terms doing that, feeling pulled in ways that didn’t allow me to give my all in anything that I did.)

She and I talked about what some of my choices might be. Rather than telling me to stick it out, she asked what I wanted, what would help my experience. Connection. Everything in me was screaming for more connection: with classmates, professors, the department as a whole.

In one year’s time, everything has changed. I interview next week to potentially join the PhD program and I just came from lunch with a classmate. I have one-on-one conversations with people, and I feel that it’s beneficial and good for us both.

What changed?

I’ve been thinking a lot about that. And, especially after the conversation I had today over lunch, one word to describe a large chunk of this change is vulnerability. When I became willing (and able) to be more than a student, I was able to begin building a small community here. While my classmates and I don’t agree with each other on everything, and sometimes, I feel really frustrated by my interactions, I also know that having some people I can say, “Let’s have lunch and talk about this” has really helped me feel more connected.

Brené Brown talks about this as part of vulnerability and shame resilience, ways to be able to be open and honest with people, and still feel connected. That that connection allows us the strength to continue to practice and peel away more of the layers of protection we’ve built up around ourselves.

We’ve built those walls for good reasons… What becomes important to learn is why they are there and is it possible – with some people – to share pieces of ourselves? In what ways can we begin to connect authentically?

This connects with storytelling… It’s part of what I’ve been thinking and leaning into…

Thinking about writing, purpose, and storytelling

I’ve been having some wonderful conversation – here and elsewhere – about the issues in the last post. And it’s gotten me thinking about how I view and how I deep-in-my-belly understand and live storytelling.

It’s still percolating, and I have a potential academic journal article submission I’m working on today, so for today, let’s all raise a toast to our communities, our support, our story, and a willingness to dive deep, where it gets murky and where we don’t always have the answers.

It’s terrifying, beautiful space. Thank you for being here with me.

Weekend Treats

Links of the week

(I’m almost positive I’m not caught up by this posting. But, still, have some links. I’m ready for a nap…)

A Meditation on Boston from Jason Konopinski
An honest look at one man’s experience trying to process what happened.

There’s So Much More Than Anger from Honeybee Consulting
Reminders of what is important and finding hope.

Just the Way It Should Be from Yarn Harlot
I’ve been trying to get Sarah to understand that handknitted items should not just be kept in the drawer and never used… The Yarn Harlot describes her feelings on the matter.

I Want You to Know from Beth Morey
I love this question that Beth asks, and her answer. I love that she thinks of this, and makes me think of it, too.

Living in a World that Makes no Sense from Janice McWilliams
A way to look at the hard things that happen, and what it means for us.

11 Quick + Dirty Things About Writing from Justine Musk
This is one I want to revisit.

Musical Interlude

I was reminded of this song when thinking about the interlude. I don’t quite remember when I first heard this song, but I remember being in a shuttle and watching the Sangre de Christos mountains go by after a week long silent retreat in Taos, NM. Sometimes, I just need a reminder to slow down. I bring to you Count to Ten by Tina Dico.

Weekend Prompting

Tell me about a place you need to go to, right now. What does it look like? Smell life? Feel like? Why there?

Coming up short – compelled to post

I’ve been trying to think of something to say about the bombings at the Boston Marathon finish line yesterday.

Needless to say, I’ve been coming up short.

I’ve been reminded – over and over – about this post, more than a year old at this point. Leaning into why I run (even when I’m not actively running) and committing my race Saturday to those affected in Boston.

May all beings have happiness and its causes,
May all beings be free of suffering and its causes,
May all beings never be separated from bliss without suffering,
May all beings be in equanimity, free of bias, attachment and anger.

Weekend Treats

Another busy week this week (heading into the end of the semseter). So the links are few, but here are a few to keep you thinking!

Links of the Week

50 Self-Care Ideas from Back to Her Roots
Cassie is an awesome health and wellness blogger. In this post, she tackles the emotional side of health and wellness. (I love the line that it’s not just about eating kale and burning calories.) I also appreciated that she challenges us to make our own list!

Relax! You’re Already Ok. Also: Pimp Suits from Feed Me Darling
A fantastic reminder of what “doing epic shit” often looks like.

My Seven Cures for Creative Block from Judy Clement Wall
This is one to tuck in my back pocket.

On Being a Teacher from Susannah Conway
A post that resonates for me – on so many levels.

Musical Interlude

After writing the post on storytelling over at M. Fenn’s blog, I’ve been thinking about the story I need to tell – that’s prompting me to push against uncreation. This song (and its video, actually) always serve as a reminder of the story and are prompts to write it. Enjoy The Royal We by Silversun Pickups.

Weekend Prompting

Thinking about the trip we’re taking this weekend – and what I’ve worked to do to make it an actual trip away and not as stressful as it might have been otherwise, this question seems appropriate:

What do you need to do to take care of yourself in this moment?

Guest Post: Discovering Worth and Rewriting the Ending

When I received this guest post from Clair from Canffirmations, I knew I couldn’t not share it today. (So, check for Weekend Treats tomorrow!)

I first met Clair when I was in my second year of my first graduate degree and he was a first year. I appreciated the care that Clair brought to conversations. I also remember really appreciating his presence in our often chaotic graduate office (one office, ten to twelve high-achieving graduate students). I’ve recently gotten back in touch with him, via Canffirmations, and I’ve appreciaetd that we share a deep interest in and commitment to authenticity (and exploring the challenges that come with that). You can find him writing at Canffirmations, on Twitter (@Canffirmations), and on Facebook.

~*~*~*~

They laughed at me. I bled words onto paper from whatever depth was in my five year old heart, and they laughed at me. I was unprotected, emotionally naked and the shame washed over me hot and sticky. Humiliation. A secret note with my feelings etched in prose and slid into the desk of the prettiest girl in kindergarten was a secret no more. The scornful sound spread across the playground and rang in my years.

How do I make sense of this? I had never experienced a moment so emotionally intense. The vulnerability of seeking connection and the pain of public rejection. They were all looking at me and I had nowhere to run. I wanted to hide, better yet, disappear completely. Relocation program? Can I start over? It is the first week of school and I never want to be seen again. I told her how I felt and her response came in a chorus of laugher while her voice remained silent. What was I thinking?

I suppose I could have made sense of this in any number of ways but I chose shame fueled by unworthiness. Something must be wrong with me. I do not deserve love because I am not worthy of it. These thoughts came subtly built over time from experiences that reinforced the feelings of that day. A bit dramatic? Perhaps. Did it even happen like I remember it? So many years have passed I could never really know. What I can be certain of is that the pieces of that story that flash into my mind are seared with strong emotions that refuse to be denied.

The everyday consequences of a collection of experiences that reinforced those feelings is that I have struggled to fully connect in secure ways to others for many years. My memories from childhood until now are framed not by work or the many years of schooling, rather it is always through the relationships I was in, or not in.

Without a clear sense of my own value and self-worth my ability to love others will remain within the limits of how I love myself. Only then can I be completely open and there for another person. I am not aware of a how-to guide on developing a sense of worthiness. Perhaps it is part of everyone’s journey to discover for themselves, but it is most assuredly part of my journey.

My daily practice of discovering worthiness has begun with the unraveling of how the web of unworthiness has permeated my life. It silences me, stifles the expression of emotion, avoids any hint of conflict, wraps me in the fear of failure, demands perfection, and leaves the burden of responsibility for the success or failure of any relationship squarely on my unworthy and incapable shoulders…… I want to scream Lies, LIES, LIES!! Every statement a poisonous denial of what I know is true, yet each word resonates and finds purchase in a dark place that gives space for those words to dwell. They hide there and then echo inside me with each disappointment or defeat I experience. A sinister but convincing voice that whispers, “you are not enough.”

It is a hard practice for me to recognize those voices and accept that they are not in line with my authentic self. I am learning to hear those voices not as the truth of who I am, but rather the cries for help from places inside me that have been wounded, broken, and beaten down. I can hear those voices as a reminder that until I own my story I do not have the power to write the ending.

I choose to believe that my worthiness is not something that I have to earn or search for, but rather I merely need to claim. I will continue to practice unraveling the web of unworthiness that keeps me stuck and the claiming of my own self-worth. I will not shrink from the pain of past memories. I will own my story. I will share that story and watch as the power of the shame it heaped upon me in secrecy is washed away in the company of those I choose to share it with.

***

Thank you for hearing me and taking time to walk with me on my journey for a few moments. The journey is so much nicer together!

Clair