Last week’s car accident is all resolved (I hope). We have the car back, anyway.

I realize there needs to be something that gives. Because I’ve been cranky, avoidant, and I am getting a bit sick of myself, honestly. I think the universe was listening. And is agreeing, to an extent.

As I was working through my reader feed (still working on it… you’re going to get a massive Links List soon, I hope), I saw that Cassie over at Back to Her Roots and Krissie from Committed Coaching have teamed up for the #supersummer Challenge. And, if you don’t follow these two… that’s like a powerhouse of awesome energy and motivation, right there. Both are, in their own ways, committed to healthy and balanced living. #supersummer is about balancing one’s health – body and mind. For me, it’s a perfect time to reset, with compassion.

I’ll be over at Twitter talking about it (though non-reply tweets also show up over at Facebook).

It begins tomorrow (June 1) and runs to August 31. The goal? Rack up points by doing things that help you feel your best – mind and body. Cassie talks about it on the How It Works post. She also includes some really pretty printables to help you track it. (I’m keeping mine on my iPad, mostly because I’ve killed our ink.)

I’m trying to focus on the things that I want to make habits, to work on finding a less cranky place to come from. Seems a good goal, overall.

I love that it’s customizable, that it’s about balance, and that there is a way to work with others, if you choose.

If you’re joining in, I’d love to hear from you!

Here’s to a great start to the summer.

But, last night, I was in a car accident (I’m fine, other person is fine – so grateful!), but today will be taken up with car and insurance stuff. So, I will share this wonderful song M. Fenn reminded me of this past week.

Imperfectly by Ani DiFranco

And, because I need a bit of happy dancey music today, too, I bring you Four Simple Words by Frank Turner. (Warning: Potentially objectionable language.]

I have to breathe.
Heart, get back down into my chest cavity.
Continue to pump the blood through my arteries.
Keep going about your business,

Let me go about mine.

Perhaps it’s the mind’s way of shaming me into stepping down,
Forgetting the authority – authorship – I have over my own life,
The fear does not get to win.

Fear does not get to win.

Recently, I’ve found those words
At the tip of my brain’s proverbial tongue
Heart wanting to remain open
Even when it’s scariest,
Perhaps especially when it’s hardest.

What words want to come out?
What words do I keep back, biting my real life tongue
A gate against all that needs to be said?
This is what keeps me moving,
All the unsaid words.

What is left?
What needs to be let out so there can be movement?
What words are resting, just waiting, for the author to claim them,
To write them into this story,

Into this one precious life?

I know that it’s fear that keeps me from responding, writing my own Truth Telling post. So, let’s take the roundabout way.

I have three days off from my part-time job and from my graduate assistantship, because today, I was slated for jury duty. I had my summons set out, had chosen the book I was going to take with me (Fool Moon by Jim Butcher), my clothes ready for the morning. And then, Sarah reminded me to call in and see if my selection number was needed. Confused, I didn’t understand that, though I got the summons, I might not be called. And when I checked, my number wasn’t one who had to report.

I’d spent all of Monday keeping in mind that the next day or two would be filled with being in the courts, doing my citizenry duty. Now, here I had two full days with nothing planned. (I may have hyperventilated, just a little bit.)

As you know, I’ve been on the go a lot recently. Finishing the semester, working my new job, working as a graduate assistant, having some side work for a professor, cooking, working on putting a publication out there (it was rejected for the second time, but with a really nice “No, thank you” letter). I’ve been struggling to find balance, to find a way to take care of myself and still get everything done, wearing all of the hats currently required of me. There hasn’t been much unplanned time.

Now, I had two days ahead of me with nothing planned. All of the things I had to do – or could then schedule – started vying for my attention. Yet, there was a small part of me whispering, “How about writing? Meditating? Journaling? Reading? Something fun?” Because, to be honest – I’ve been tired. No amount of sleeping has been helping. It’s been a bone deep tired where I’m feeling burnt out and unable to deal with much beyond the required. (Even some of that has fallen to the side.)

So, after a three and a half hour nap this morning, I decided to spend time with my journal – not just writing, but collaging (also known as dreamboarding, except I wasn’t as specific about it – I simply looked for images that spoke to me). I spent time asking questions like “What helps me celebrate yes?” and “What inspires you?”

I looked for what felt rejuvenating and I followed that path. Yesterday, I had wandered a craft store and picked up a few scrapbooking items and a roll of washi tape (I’ve never played with it). Again, I went with whatever seemed appropriate at the time.

It felt refreshing, just to play, not think about what the words were saying or how it all was put together. So it wasn’t perfect… that was okay.

And here’s where the truth hits the screen: There are times the balanced, grateful, all-put-together self just isn’t there. And I don’t like sharing when I’m like that. (Even though I know it’s as much a part of my story as the all-put-together parts. Perhaps, the not-so-put-together self is even more important to share, to remind myself and others that it’s not about perfection or put together. It’s about the life that’s really being lived, in the here and now.)

You all know that I don’t like sharing when I’m there – how much have I really posted the past few weeks? Yeah, part of it is schedule, but the other part of it? Fear, rearing its head. Fear, taking hold and telling me that whatever it is on my mind is not worth sharing. Fear, telling me that it wouldn’t be appropriate.

What would you think of me, if you saw this? What judgment would there be? When things don’t look so put together, when it’s curling edges of journal and ripped pieces of paper? When it’s misused washi tape, regardless of how I felt making it? It wasn’t perfect. What would you think?

I talk about balance, about self-care, about the importance of storytelling. And yet, I can’t/don’t always practice them with ease. So I worry that labels of hypocrite (and worse) will be slung toward me. So I choose to not write. Because I could find time, you know? Rather than letting fear hold tight, I could simply breathe and be real, tell my story as it is happening.

Because isn’t that what being visible and real is about? Giving “shape to the face / That twists inside both you and me”?

That face isn’t always perfectly put together. And that’s okay. This is life.

This is life, lived. Full of imperfection and uncertainty and doubt.

I am (slowly) getting caught up on my reader feed. At least, it’s under 100 again. For now. :)

The Essence of the Process is Revision from The Art of Non-Conformity
This is one of the reasons most things rarely get past my journals or blog posts.

In the Art Studio: The Insides of a Heart from Beth Morey
A heartfelt look at the role of heart in art.

Some Sort of Silence from The Yarn Harlot
The Yarn Harlot talks a bit about what it means to be in a public space, working to deal with private things.

8 Secrets from 8 Curvy Women Who Love Their Bodies from Everyday Feminism
Love this! LOVE IT!

The Next Big Thing: Novel In Progress from M. Fenn
A look into the novel in progress M. Fenn’s been working on. (From what I’ve read so far… it’s awesome!)

Changing the Default from The Art of Non-Conformity
One way to chang ewhat we think of “default.”

The Battle of Not Thin Enough from Hey Amber Rae
This is one to revisit. But, the scan of it made me pause.

Surrounded by Ideas from Karen Gadient
Beautiful art, and a look into dreams.

Mother’s Day, Again from Beth Morey
A reminder that Mother’s Day is not always the Hallmark moment we think of.

To the Queer Black Kids from Black Girl Dangerous
An empowering message to those who feel they don’t fit in.

It’s not what’s happening… It’s how you respond from Tara Brach
A message I need, early and often.

Badger on the Left, Buddha on the Right from Living Wild and Precious
Love the whimsy and utter truthfulness of this post.

Do It Yourself Writer’s Retreat from Wordlander
A retreat sounds lovely right now.

Song of the Week

I think I first heard this song (Brave from Sara Bareilles) via George Takei on Facebook. Either way, love the message and song.

 Quote of the Week

Read in the middle of a journal article about narrative therapy. Too good to not share.

I  assume  that  storytelling  is  not  merely  a  method  for  solving  particular problems that crop up in our lives but also has an importance and integrity of its own, as a means to personal wholeness. In this sense, it is a spiritual activity, enabling us to become more of who we are, more authentic and more alive. ~ Sanrie de Beer and Julian Müller

Weekend Prompting

This week’s prompting is a question I keep asking myself right now. Maybe you need to hear it too?

Tell me, what do you need to let go of, right now, in this moment.

Birds (Photo credit: Kenny Teo (zoompict))

There have been gray days recently; the influx of clouds bringing rain and less pollen. I hear the sloosh sloosh of car tires on the street outside of our apartment building.

When I go out, I see the shock of pink petals, covering the ground and cars parked underneath the trees which are shedding them. Spring begins its turn into summer, with warmer weather and more chances of thunderstorms ahead.

As I’m out, I see the birds, flying low to the ground, the teeter totter of the larger birds flying higher, the wind buffeting them around.

I think about the small birds, their instincts telling them that sometimes, flying low, under the wind’s radar, and learning when to keep going in spite of it, is a judgment call.

Listening to the world around you. Listening to your own abilities. Are you in a place where you can stretch them? Or does flying low seem to be what you need in this moment?

Flying high is an aspiration for me. Yet, I am learning that sometimes, it’s more important to move from one point to another. That may mean keeping low.

Never Graduate from Canffirmations
A reminder of all of the opportunities there are for learning.

A Special Wishcasting Wednesday from Thousand Shades of Gray
Jill gives a great reminder for pausing. (A message I need. Early and often.)

Thank you (Yes, You): A Love Letter from Beth Morey
I can feel the love and Beth’s spirit resonate through this post.

Love your sadness. It won’t last. from Danielle LaPorte
A reminder that all emotions are important, and that they all are clouds (or sorts). Sometimes lingering, sometimes passing. All important.

Monday Morning Music from M. Fenn
A dancey song that I really appreciate. :)

Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls… SO I WILL from The Militant Baker
(Hat tip to M. Fenn for the link.) A wonderful body positive post.

Girls Are Better at Designing Super Hero Costumes from Alex Law
(Another hat tip to M. Fenn for link.) A great tumblr showing how awesome girls are at designing super hero costumes!

Are you missing the three-leafed clovers? from Living Wild and Precious
A fabulous reminder of all that is precious in the moment.

Breaking Free from Trust Tending
An honest look at when things feel like they’re only shifting, shifting. (Includes fun music video.)

Thought Happens from Janice McWilliams
I love this look at the creativity of the human brain with our thoughts.

Are you Judge-mental? from This Side of the MirrorAn honest look at how judgment (on many levels) can frame our state of mind.

Oh For Crying Out Loud from the Jotter’s Joint
A look at crying, its meanings, and what it can sometimes teach us.

Stop Drop Roll from inside space
A reminder to put on our own oxygen mask first.

Musical Interlude

This has been a favourite song of mine since I heard it. Today, I bring you an upbeat song, Merry Go Round, from Antje Duvekot.

Weekend Prompting

A professor in our department is leaving in a few weeks. I have been working pretty closely with her on three different projects and have come to really respect and appreciate her presence in my life. I met with her a few weeks ago for one of our projects, and she gave me a lovely book of poetry named Risking Everything: 110 Poems of Love and Revelation, which she said was one of her favourite books of all time. Today’s prompt comes from there, and the poem is Maybe by Mary Oliver.

Happy writing!

how it is when something different crosses the threshold

A few hours after the last post, I was open and honest with a class I was in about staying open during one of our conversations. The short story is – it blew up. Tremendously. I was left rattling around my brain and needing more time to process than I had needed the week before. I also didn’t want to talk about it in such a public forum, mostly because I didn’t know what to say.

Then, the end of the semester and beginning a part time job all came around the corner and I was shuttling between campus, part time work, school work, and graduate assistant school work.

It’s only today, my first real day off (with a ginormous to do list) that I feel like I have some breathing room.

In the midst of this, I would poke at a few blogs I read, reading about self-care and listening to yourself and sometimes, wondering if I really knew what I was doing, if I could do this – juggle everything and keep going with what I need to do for myself. Of course, these questions start arising when I have had less than 4 hours of sleep, most of which was spent tossing and turning, terrified I was going to be late for my job.

Not the most conducive to slowing down, to breathing room.

So, today, there will be blogging, because I don’t want to go weeks without posting. Today, there will be (some) catch up with my reader feed (and playing with a new reader, as Google Reader is going away in July). There will be cookie baking and letter writing. Some knitting and some reading. And perhaps a few cups of tea.

What are you up to today?

Needless to say, I am not caught up on my reader, I haven’t had time to write, let alone blog.

Which isn’t to say I haven’t been thinking about you.

So, tell me, what’s been the best part of life for you lately?

(I hope to e back to more regular posting by the end of the week.)

This week’s links are the few I was able to catch via social media (my poor reader is feeling really neglected). But, hopefully, with the semester ending in less than a week (!!!!), ill be able to get all caught up. Until then, a few links!

10K from Canffirmations
A wonderful celebration of a milestone, and all of the learning that came with it.

Whither Moral Courage from The New York Times
An interesting look at the challenges and changes in understanding (and celebrating) courage.

Accepting Ourselves So We Can Accept Others from Emma’s Hope Book
A look at darkness, light, and learning where we grow.

29 Ways to Stay Creative from Rebelle Society
A great manifesto encouraging creativity.

Finding My Way in My Writing – Again from Jason Konopinski
Oh, this one resonates. Resonates muchly.

Self-Care is Not a Punishment from Mara Glatzel
This is a message I need to hear, early and often.

Musical Interlude

I’ve been listening to the new Frank Turner a bit recently… I don’t know the songs well enough yet to pull one out to share with you, but this is my favorite one from his previous album, England Keep My Bones, and is definitely on the soundtrack of that novel I keep talking about. Here’s an acoustic version of I Am Disappeared. (For some reason, it’s not coming up embedded. Boo.)

Weekend Prompting

So, this line comes to you directly from the book I’m reading for a final paper in my Diversity class. It caught my I attention as something to consider and might make for interesting writing. This is from Borderlands/La Frontera by Gloria Anzaldúa.

that voice at the edge of things