Weekend Treats (on time!)

Reading Treats

Never Graduate from Canffirmations
A reminder of all of the opportunities there are for learning.

A Special Wishcasting Wednesday from Thousand Shades of Gray
Jill gives a great reminder for pausing. (A message I need. Early and often.)

Thank you (Yes, You): A Love Letter from Beth Morey
I can feel the love and Beth’s spirit resonate through this post.

Love your sadness. It won’t last. from Danielle LaPorte
A reminder that all emotions are important, and that they all are clouds (or sorts). Sometimes lingering, sometimes passing. All important.

Monday Morning Music from M. Fenn
A dancey song that I really appreciate. :)

Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls… SO I WILL from The Militant Baker
(Hat tip to M. Fenn for the link.) A wonderful body positive post.

Girls Are Better at Designing Super Hero Costumes from Alex Law
(Another hat tip to M. Fenn for link.) A great tumblr showing how awesome girls are at designing super hero costumes!

Are you missing the three-leafed clovers? from Living Wild and Precious
A fabulous reminder of all that is precious in the moment.

Breaking Free from Trust Tending
An honest look at when things feel like they’re only shifting, shifting. (Includes fun music video.)

Thought Happens from Janice McWilliams
I love this look at the creativity of the human brain with our thoughts.

Are you Judge-mental? from This Side of the MirrorAn honest look at how judgment (on many levels) can frame our state of mind.

Oh For Crying Out Loud from the Jotter’s Joint
A look at crying, its meanings, and what it can sometimes teach us.

Stop Drop Roll from inside space
A reminder to put on our own oxygen mask first.

Musical Interlude

This has been a favourite song of mine since I heard it. Today, I bring you an upbeat song, Merry Go Round, from Antje Duvekot.

Weekend Prompting

A professor in our department is leaving in a few weeks. I have been working pretty closely with her on three different projects and have come to really respect and appreciate her presence in my life. I met with her a few weeks ago for one of our projects, and she gave me a lovely book of poetry named Risking Everything: 110 Poems of Love and Revelation, which she said was one of her favourite books of all time. Today’s prompt comes from there, and the poem is Maybe by Mary Oliver.

Happy writing!

how it is when something different crosses the threshold

Thinking about writing, purpose, and storytelling

I’ve been having some wonderful conversation – here and elsewhere – about the issues in the last post. And it’s gotten me thinking about how I view and how I deep-in-my-belly understand and live storytelling.

It’s still percolating, and I have a potential academic journal article submission I’m working on today, so for today, let’s all raise a toast to our communities, our support, our story, and a willingness to dive deep, where it gets murky and where we don’t always have the answers.

It’s terrifying, beautiful space. Thank you for being here with me.

No parachute: Vulnerability, protection, and staying open

As has been the case for most of the country (and world, I’m sure), this has been a heart-tenderizing week. As I’m writing this, I feel like I’ve been in a fight. Part of me just want to curl up and sleep. Somehow, that seems like the ideal plan.

But, I’ve been trying to stay open, to find ways to not shut down or lash out. Too many times in my life, I’ve seen how destructive both of those can be.

This is hard work.

Earlier this week, wrung out from too little sleep and too much caffeine and sugar, I’m sitting in a class where I am being challenged. Challenged in the “Please don’t talk about who you are, because I can’t handle it” kind of way. I’m sitting in my chair, feeling my chest tighten up, writing really small notes to myself in my notebook (not wanting anyone to be able to read them, but needing to write down my own process), and fighting to not burst out into tears or walk out.

Both would have been fine in this class. But I kept thinking, “What if this were a client, who I am trying to build a therapeutic relationship with. What is keeping me from truly hearing them?” During the break, someone checked in with me, to see how I was doing. I consciously realized what I was trying to do and was encouraged to speak up about my process, if I wanted to.

Ultimately, I chose not to, right away, because I wanted to explore more of what was going on with me, what I was truly thinking, and to stay with the discomfort a little bit. Because that’s where the growth is – for all parties.

I don’t have the answers. I still don’t. I just know that when our professor asked us to imagine where the walls were being built, I didn’t immediately see walls. I saw myself, curled around my heart, wanting so badly to protect myself.

What do I need to say to protect myself, but also be open? Is there a chance that you can’t have it both ways? Is this what vulnerability looks like?

Perhaps there’s a reason the following quote’s been on my mind a lot recently.

“The bad news is you’re falling through the air, nothing to hang on to, no parachute. The good news is there’s no ground.” – Chogyam Trungpa

Coming up short – compelled to post

I’ve been trying to think of something to say about the bombings at the Boston Marathon finish line yesterday.

Needless to say, I’ve been coming up short.

I’ve been reminded – over and over – about this post, more than a year old at this point. Leaning into why I run (even when I’m not actively running) and committing my race Saturday to those affected in Boston.

May all beings have happiness and its causes,
May all beings be free of suffering and its causes,
May all beings never be separated from bliss without suffering,
May all beings be in equanimity, free of bias, attachment and anger.

Vulnerability Hangover…

I’ve been thinking a bit about Brene Brown and her TED talk about the power of vulnerability. Particularly about vulnerability hangover.

So, in lieu of a post today, as I’m feeling overwhelmed, out of sorts, and like I’m floundering, I want to share that talk.

The Things That Stick: On Memories, Emotion, and Practice

After a conversation with M. Fenn last night, I realized that there are a few scenes/images in my life that have stuck with me in my life. When I am free writing, or certain topics come up, these are images and moments of my life that resonate, years later.

Standing in the ebb and flow

There’s a part of me that wants to dive right in, find out what it is about these moments, to drench myself in the memories and keep sinking myself in, hoping that it goes away and gets out of my system. There’s another part that wants to keep it up on the proverbial mantel and look at it every now and then. Then, there’s the in between part of me that says both are necessary and neither are. That to force it is unproductive, but so is not facing it.

What is the middle ground?

For me, in some situations, it’s allowing it to arise when it needs to but not to latch on to it. It’s learning that there are times and places where diving in is important and exactly what I need. And there are times it’s not helpful at all.

There are times when to simply sit with it, as it comes in and goes out, is enough to recognize the moment for what it is – a memory. The interesting thing is that I’m learning that even if memories are stirred up, I don’t have to carry an emotion attached them. That what was painful in the moment doesn’t have to carry that same energy and emotion to it. I can see it and let it be, without trying to change it.

It’s not ever easy, but I realize that it’s a choice.

Do you have strong memories or scenes from your life come back to you often? What do you do with them?

Practicing in the middle of pain

I’ve been hearing and seeing the phrase, hurt people hurt people, a number of times over the past week or so. It’s gotten me thinking about how I respond when I’m hurting. What are my “go-to” habits to both protect myself and to respond?

At the crossroads of Overwhelm and Fear, I try to create space.

There’s been an on-going situation that I am peripherally involved in – mostly as a listener. This past weekend, I was no longer on the periphery and had to confront myself with the questions about habits that protect and habits that I use to respond. Because of the circumstance, I had the opportunity to sit with this and really look at my own patterns and what came up for me. (Even revisiting this is a challenge; I simultaneously want to rant and shut down the computer.)

But, the question that kept coming up for me was how do I stay open? While there were thoughts about lashing back, about saying nasty things, about walking away forever… I could see how this had played out before in my life. What hadn’t I tried?

Stay with it. Don’t get hooked into spiraling the storyline out of control. What are you feeling? Stay in this moment.

That’s where I tried to stay. I can’t always do it. (In fact, sometimes it’s not possible, for whatever reason.) But, I had three hours and getting sucked into nastiness would only make me feel worse. So, I explored what was going on. And it was uncomfortable. It was not happy. There were moments I had to look away from it, but I kept trying to gently come back.

To me, this is practice. How do I keep myself open? To be honest, I spend a lot of time shutting down. I ignore, avoid, lash back. I spend hours on Facebook rather than sit with the discomfort of overwhelm (whole other post in that). How do I stay open and give myself enough space to make that a choice – I’m choosing to numb out right now and I recognize that that’s what I’m doing.

This is part of my ongoing flirtation and dance with my 2013 intention/word: trust. Can I trust myself to hold all of this? Can I trust myself to not go crazy? Can I trust the ground I stand on?

Can I trust this process?

Weekend Treats

Weekend Reads

Another busy week here at V+R. (Where does it go?) Here are a few of the gems I was able to catch. How about you?

On Behalf of Yes from Seth Godin
A reminder of the power of “yes.”

The Myth About Following Your Intuition from Danielle LaPorte
A realist’s look at what following your intuition might mean.

Keep Writing from It Starts With
A message I always need. Another look at it. (And while I’m not sure I fully agree with all of it, the pulse underneath is awesome.)

Learning to See Past the Mask from Tara Brach
A long but well-worth read about looking past the masks both we and others wear.

The Best Advice from Neil Gaiman
I always appreciate Neil Gaiman’s words, but the sharing of this advice seems well timed right now.

Changing the System from The Art of Non-Conformity
No pressure. None at all. (But a great article.)

Perserverating on a Power Outage: Why vs. How from Janice McWilliams
An interesting look at how to change the question you’re asking to change the story.

Entrusting Yourself to the Waves from Tara Brach
Looking at noticing, being aware, and being open.

Weekend Prompting

Did you see yesterday’s post? That’s where this week’s weekend prompting comes from. :)

What are some forms of self-care you use? What reminds you to take a few moments for it?

On The Sims, self-care, and scream-singing in the car

A Sim using a virtual reality simulator (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a confession to make.

When I was an undergraduate, I tried to play The Sims. You know, the game where you create a simulated character and that character does stuff, you get points. Often, people would simulate themselves, or give their Sim their own characteristics and pretend it was a life they had. A green diamond hovered above their head, indicating that the Sim was happy. It would turn red when the Sim was in distress.

The first game I played of it, my character’s diamond turned red. She needed sleep. But, the trash needs to go out! I told myself, ordering the Sim (with the click of my mouse) to take it out.

She collapsed in the middle of the kitchen floor.

I haven’t played The Sims since.

I was reminded of this while driving home from school tonight, when I was thinking about all of the things that I needed to do when I got home, how stressed out I feel, and sometimes, I tend to push myself a little too hard. (Did I mention that none of my friends were quite surprised when I told them about the demise of my Sim?)

It was 9:35PM and I was sitting in the parking lot of school, pondering what to put on the radio to get me through the 45 minute drive home. I was berating myself for not having books or podcasts, but instead, relying mostly on music. But then, I remembered my poor little Sim from more than 10 years ago.

Also? The irony that I had listed “self-care” as Very Important to Me not even half an hour earlier in class was not lost on me.

So, I looked at my playlists and found a mix I made for a friend of mine last year. I put it on, turned up the radio, and headed home. I let the music fill me and I didn’t worry about singing on key or for anyone in particular. These were songs I knew, songs I loved, and songs that resonate deep in my belly. It was exactly the space I needed to be in. Scream-singing at the top of my lungs, letting go of whatever I was holding onto in my chest (where my anxiety tends to settle) and to let well-crafted words bounce off the fabric and windows, to feel myself becoming hoarse as I kept singing, song after song.

When I took the exit off I-83 that headed home, I turned the radio down, humming along and knowing that it would be a late night. But, finding a deeper reserve for right now. I won’t collapse in the middle of the kitchen. I have a small list in my head that really does need to get done tonight. The rest? Well, that’s also part of self-care. It will get done. I know that.

But now, to take out the trash.

Through the Glass Backwards: Trust, Unknowing, and Dancing

I’ve been thinking about resumes and applications recently, as that is what has been taking up brain space when I’m not working on school work. And I realize that any application process requires a lot of dancing with uncertainty and a lot of trust.

I’m putting in this work and energy in the hopes that there will be a chance in there for me. That someone is willing to trust my previous experience, my unspoken abilities, and that the ones I’ve spoken for look a bit like what they’re expecting. It’s a dance of uncertainty, not knowing what either party will get or what will happen.

And yet, there are a lot of ways we fill out applications, even without paper copies or resumes or answering KSAs (knowledge, skills, and abilities questions for federal job applications). Rather, we are putting ourselves out there when we walk down the street, when we look at other people, when others look at us.

What are we willing to see? What uncertainty and space are we willing to dance with? Are we willing to hold trust in the palm of our hands and see what arises?

Can we allow ourselves the freshness of unknowing?