My name is Stephanie, and I have problem.
It’s not that I don’t like commitment. It’s not that I don’t find it important. I value it and know that it’s as much a part of this process of writing and sitting and everything I do. And yet, I find it problematic.
Jamie Ridler is hosting a one month “Develop a practice.” This month is Meditation. (Last month was morning pages.) And, as I’ve grown more lax with my meditation practice as of late, I decided to sign up. Since then, I have promptly failed to meditate at home for the entire month of August so far. After making the commitment.
This seems problematic to me.
A few years ago, I was thinking about commitment, practice, and that kind of great stuff, and two friends of mine made interesting comments. One said that she didn’t think too much about it, because then it wouldn’t happen. Another has said that she sometimes has to sneak up on it, because if she is overt about it, it doesn’t happen. And so… I do take a bit of comfort in the fact that these outright “challenges” of sorts create an actual something against which I can rebel. Even though I know it makes me cranky and unhappy to not follow through.
And yet, these challenges and community “let’s do this thing!” is very enticing for me. (Says she of six years of National Novel Writing Month.) Is there a balance? In joining with community and yet, sneaking up on the “commitment” aspect? Because both are really important.
Here I am, sitting with this. Part of me really wants to change change change it. I also know a lot is changing in my life right now, and that part of those changes will be incorporating my practices into my day in a very real, concrete way. So, perhaps, in the here and now, it’s noticing that this is happening and to be curious about it.
What happens when we apply curiosity, rather than 2x4s? What happens when we look at something and allow it to be what it is, rather than try to change it, immediately forever?
What opens up?