I’m just feeling kind of truthsome right now. Life is too damn short for ifs and maybes.
Mal, from Firefly (“Heart of Gold”)
My life has felt like a series of to lists over the past three weeks. See, yesterday was my last day at my full time job. I’m pursuing some adventures at school and this endeavor of teaching writing practice classes.
While I’m insanely excited for this opportunity, I’ve been feeling weird about this space. I’ve been feeling unfocused and lacking any sort of oomph in my writing. This feels relatively new to me here. Writing practice (or the practice of blogging) gives a road map of sorts. Looking back on the past two weeks of posts, in particular, reminds me why I practice.
I spent the last week of July writing posts that led up to the big class schedule launch, and now, am offering the Guinea Pig Sessions. I did the Whirlwind Book Tour, and I’m participating in August Break. I’ve been doing posts on the classes, continuing Through the Glass, starting Weekend Prompting, and Weekend Reads.
Are you noticing a theme here?
If I choose to use the practice of writing as a record, it allows me to see themes, catch potential patterns I might not normally see. It gives me something to work with as I step back and look at this all. Why am I doing this? How does this relate to what I’m trying to do here? I want to tell and hear stories. I want to create space…
Hm. As I see the block in the middle of my day open up, as I see that space in my heart growing as I work to share what it is I see and what I feel is important, as I see things moving forward – step by small step – I also see the fear and anxiety growing. That the uncertainty of this path I’m now on is scary and so, I’d started thinking in terms of to do lists and not living from my heart. It
was is easier to get caught up in others’ ideas of what matters and what is worth time and energy. Instead of being visible and real and being vulnerable, I threw as much as I could to this virtual wall to see what would stick. I was using other people’s measuring sticks.
It’s left me feeling overwhelmed, in this state of “I don’t know what I’m doing!” It’s left me feeling like I’m running around like this strange combination of Chicken Little and Dug the Dog from Up! (Not a pretty sight.) It’s left me feeling like I can’t do this and I have no business even trying. It’s left me feeling like a ship bounced off the rocks from the siren call of “more hits = more worth.”
This feels like a vulnerable and scary and Wrong post to write. Something in me is telling me to delete it, to stop whining. Something is telling me it’s too long, too many words, change everything about it. Something in me is telling me that I can just throw in the towel now, to stop trying. That this is not how “business is done.” But, I believe in a different story, and I believe that things can be done differently and that they need to be done differently.
This is my form of trying. This is me continuing to try to put my belief in the power of our human, vulnerable, raw, broken hearts and our need to connect and tell our stories – I’m going to keep moving in that direction. It’s what started this blog and it’s the only direction that feels Right to me. Honest, truthsome posts. Not continuing to inundate you all with things I’m trying to throw out there, just to see what sticks.
That’s not what this blog is about. This is about showing up, trusting the process – wherever it may take me.
As a way to create more space, I will no longer be participating actively in the August Break. Rather, my photos will stop being Creative Commons pictures and I will begin using my own, taken in the course of my days.
Also, I will be reexamining my posting. I want to be more mindful of what I’m posting. In getting wrapped up in “stats” rather than content, I left no room for space for myself and my readers. Rather than get caught up in the story fear wants to hang on to in order to “matter” or feel “successful,” I want to stay with my experience. This is what practice continues to teach me.
Through the Glass Backwards, Weekend Prompting, and Weekend Reads are here to stay. I like those and feel that they really are a part of what I value and what shapes the foundation of this blog and the Visible and Real writing classes.
Finally, I will be going on a stats page diet for the remainder of August. I’m not doing this to see how many hits I get. This is about sharing stories and being honest. The number of hits do not determine my self-worth.