Remember a few weeks ago when I was talking about leaning into practice? How I was feeling quiet? That I was learning a lot and was feeling quiet? I have to say, it felt better having to go back three weeks to find that post, because it really felt like it was just last week that I wrote that and somehow, this stumbling, tumbling feeling that I’m going through right now is a complete reversal.
I’ve been thinking about how to write this entry. There were feelings of anxiety, shame, and uncertainty. And I struggled with hat to say here. Should I be honest and tell you about how hard it’s been to show up to practice? That when the To Do lists start mounting, one of the first things to go is exercise, closely followed by writing and sitting. It’s topsy turvey, I know. That settling into myself, that knowing where I am and feeling the ground under my feet is exactly where I need to be.
But, isn’t it funny how our story changes when things start mounting? The story I tell myself switches, changes, moves into some place that is really hard for me to both deal with and to share. So, it’s easier to shut down.
Reminders of practice are reminders that it doesn’t always have to be the answer. That sometimes, I can try to tell a different story. Even when that’s the hardest thing to do because it feels so different from what I normally choose.