Today, I had the image of a chalkboard in mind. Remember, at the end of the day, when it was covered with what had been written, erased, written over? Throughout the day, new information on top of old, learning, more and more. Then, at the end of the day, it would be wiped clean with a wet sponge. It was best if you took time and did it in straight lines, leaving few streaks and a nice, orderly clean board ready for the next day.
My brain and time feel like that these days. The pre-sponge board. Dusty, covered and filled with information that’s been erased, written over.
So much of what I do feels rote. Sitting because I know it’s good for me – but forgetting why I do it. Writing in my journal and doing writing practice – but forgetting why it matters and why I keep doing it.
I’ve been revisiting my #supersummer (aka #sschallenge) goals, trying to figure out what my goals are, why I’m doing what I’m doing. Trying to bring heart into what I do, not just another dusty layer over what I’ve erased.
It’s hard. It’s taxing, I’m feeling exhausted. I’m ready to throw my hands up and say “Forget it!” (Not to anything in particular.)
So, I haven’t been showing up here. I don’t know what to say and I’ve been trying to keep a positive, upbeat attitude. And when I’m not feeling that, I don’t show up here.
This isn’t an excuse, really. It’s letting you in on what’s going on. Showing you the other side of the upbeat cheerleader, which is working toward being visible and real. Because that’s as much a part of life and practice as the ways in which things are moonbeams and penny whistles.
I’m starting to do some of my own work, and I’m hoping to re-explore what matters to me and how to love a life that is visible and real, while not extending myself beyond what I sustainable.
Thank you for being here. For being patient with me. For exploring what a visible and real life might look like for yourself.