This was the first run I’ve been on in three weeks.
I got home from work and errands. I had two hours to run, clean guinea pig cages, and then go get Sarah from the train station. It was hot, but not as muggy as it has been recently. I’d promised myself I’d go today if I didn’t get up before-sunrise-early and do it before work.
So many times, I make that promise to myself, only to break it.
Today, I held that promise, even though it would have been much nicer to take a nap.
I’m glad that I went. It was a hard fought 3.5 miles. But, I ran/walked it. I got out there. I sweated my butt off, and I also listened to myself when I realized I hadn’t had enough water and instead of pushing myself beyond what I was able to in that moment, I started walking. I didn’t reach my randomly chosen “goal” pace, but I was out there.
Some days, that’s the victory.
I haven’t checked in with the #sschallenge in nearly a week. I stopped tracking points. Stopped tracking my calories. Stopped writing. Stopped sitting. All of the things that matter most to me, I stopped doing. Instead, I was knitting. Watching copious amounts of NCIS. Fiction reading.
I recognize there is sometimes a fine line between rest and avoidance for me.
I’m trying to hold myself accountable, while also realizing how much I was running my life by lists. A list of daily habits I want to do (and the utter guilt that comes when I stop doing them and see the red negative number increase). A list of #sschallenge goals to check off (and the guilt of seeing days of small numbers, some of which were default). A list of tasks to accomplish by the end of the day, week, summer. A list of books to read. Tracking things in lists and marking them down, making lists of what I was eating, how much water I was drinking.
No wonder I was feeling a bit exhausted.
I’ve taken the last week or so off from that. Purposefully. Spending time relaxing, sleeping, working, and trying to reset the inner compass. What matters to me? What renews and refuels me? What energizes me and helps me to be present?
These are the questions I’m trying to live. Not write about or think about too hard. But start to settle into, as uncomfortable as that may be. It’s a form of resetting and revising that makes sense to me right now. Thinking about all I carry regularly, it’s been nice to set some of it down… even for a brief while.
The past few weeks have been full of emotion that I’m trying to recognize, label, and allow. To not fight it or over-analyze it. Sometimes it works. And I know that this is part of the growing that I’m doing. Learning to renew myself, take care of myself in the midst of a busy schedule and getting sick. (Summer head cold; I’m almost over it.)
But also recognizing there are clear things that need to be a part of my life in order for me to truly be renewed. Like running. Like sitting. Like writing. Like connecting with people.
Not because these things are on any list that I need to cross off and “finish” to feel accomplished. But because it feeds my soul. Because these are things that help me find my inner compass, over and over.
In many ways, this has been the beauty so far of the #sschallenge – it has given me a chance to reset, to think about goals, but also beyond goals. To revise, to reset, to re-remember why what is on my list made it there in the first place. It also allows space for me to remove what no longer serves.
Are you doing the #sschallenge? How is it going? What have you been learning?