I’m supposed to be working on a paper that’s due tomorrow morning. It’s 45 minutes since the grand jury non-indictment of Darren Wilson. There’s a part of me that keeps thinking I shouldn’t write about this; what do I know? How could I possibly capture in words when I have been privileged for so much of my life, passing so easily for pure, 100% white?
And yet, that’s exactly why I have to say something. Because that perceived status, that perceived idea of who/what I am comes with responsibility to recognize that power and acknowledge a system that has felt broken for a very very long time. This is just one more instance.
Tonight, I am broken open. For aching hearts, for voices unheard for so long, for deep deep divisions that will, as one of my friends online said, rip this country apart. (If it hasn’t already.) I am broken open for the lives that seem to not matter, for people who believe the stereotypes they see as though somehow that is ALL there is to a certain group of people.
What breaks me open most, though, I think, is how I keep thinking that somehow, America, we’re going to wake the fuck up and treat people with dignity – all people not just people who look like us. And yet, every time that bubble is popped, I am shocked. I am broken open.
May I continue to be broken open until all people matter. Because it’s not fair to value some lives over others. Where all have what they need in this life to move beyond surviving – voices heard, lives valued, able to share the gifts and talents blessed with. Because while privilege remains unnamed, there are consequences that ripple deeply.
I want to believe in better. In this moment, I have no more words… rather, I choose to breathe in peace. I choose to breathe out peace.
I will continue to hope and search myself for ways to honor all lives, all voices, and hold the light of hope in the midst of such ugliness and hatred.
It’s what I have tonight; and I know, on so many levels, that’s not enough. Yet, I’d rather show up, ineloquent and broken open, than stay silent.